Perfectionism: The Sneaky Thief of Joy

Recently, I wrote a little something on perfectionism, and it stirred this deep desire to dive a bit further into this menace. So, allow me to banter, won't you? Maybe, just maybe, it’ll set you free as well.

Because let’s be real—perfectionism isn’t just about wanting everything to be ‘just right.’ Oh no, it goes way deeper. It’s rooted in fear, past experiences, and all the societal and familial pressure we’ve picked up along the way. Many of us don’t even realize we’re stuck in the cycle of perfectionism until we’re completely burned out, questioning ourselves, or just downright frustrated with everything. Or, in my case, the poop hit the fan, and everything came crashing to the floor. And that, my friends, sucks. I can assure you.

But here’s what I’ve come to understand: knowledge is power. If you and I can uncover the ‘why’ behind our perfectionism, perhaps we can finally be free. Because this isn’t just about having a Type-A personality or wanting things a certain way. It’s deeper than that. It’s about survival mechanisms we’ve unknowingly carried for years. It’s about patterns we absorbed before we even knew what perfectionism was. And it’s about the subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways perfectionism holds us hostage.

AI-Generated Woman Walking Tight Rope

Why Do We Get Caught Up in Perfectionism?

There’s a reason some people seem naturally more rigid, detail-oriented, or prone to overanalyzing every little thing. Perfectionism isn’t just a personality quirk—it’s often a coping mechanism.

Here are a few core reasons I see perfectionism taking root in people’s lives:

✔️ Fear of Failure

A lot of perfectionists equate making mistakes with being a failure. If you grew up in an environment where mistakes were met with shame, punishment, or disapproval, it makes total sense why you’d push yourself so hard to avoid them. Over time, this fear of failure becomes deeply ingrained—so much so that taking risks or trying something new feels unbearable.

👉 Deep down belief: ‘If I make a mistake, I am a failure.’

✔️ Fear of Judgment or Rejection

Some of us believe that being ‘perfect’ will make us more loved or accepted. If love felt conditional growing up (meaning, you only got praise when you achieved something), it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing your worth is dependent on being flawless. The fear of being criticized or judged keeps you striving for impossible standards.

👉 Deep down belief: ‘If I’m perfect, no one will criticize me.’

✔️ Need for Control

For those who grew up in unpredictable or chaotic environments, perfectionism can become a coping mechanism—a way to create a sense of control and stability. When life feels like it’s spinning, the drive to make everything ‘just right’ feels like a lifeline. But perfectionism is a false sense of control, and at some point, it starts controlling you.

👉 Deep down belief: ‘If everything is perfect, I can prevent disaster.’

✔️ Tying Self-Worth to Achievement

When we’re only praised for what we do rather than who we are, we start believing that our value lies solely in our accomplishments. And that? That is exhausting. Because no matter how much you achieve, the bar just keeps moving higher. There’s no ‘enough’ when your worth is tied to performance.

👉 Deep down belief: ‘I am only as valuable as what I achieve.’

✔️ Cultural & Social Pressure

Let’s be honest—social media makes it look like everyone else has their life together. We see highlight reels of picture-perfect moments and assume we’re the only ones struggling. The pressure to appear flawless is everywhere, making it easy to believe that if we’re not perfect, we’re somehow falling behind.

👉 Deep down belief: ‘Everyone else has it together, so I should too.’

✔️ The Illusion That Perfection = Safety

For some, being ‘perfect’ feels like the only way to avoid criticism, rejection, or feeling like they aren’t enough. Perfectionism becomes a shield, but one that comes with an unbearable amount of pressure. The exhausting pursuit of flawlessness keeps you in a constant state of stress, trying to prove you’re worthy of acceptance.

👉 Deep down belief:‘If I don’t do everything perfectly, I’ll be judged or abandoned.’

The Truth About Perfectionism

Perfectionism isn’t just exhausting—it’s a trap. A beautifully disguised, socially accepted, highly praised trap. It convinces us that if we just try harder, do better, and push further, we’ll finally feel enough. But ‘enough’ is an illusion when perfectionism is at the wheel.

So, if any of these points have pinged in your soul, let’s have a conversation. Because breaking free from these traps is possible—easier than you might even imagine. The first step? Recognizing that perfection was never the goal. Freedom, joy, and self-acceptance? Now that’s something worth striving for. 💛