Why You Feel the Need to Control Everything (And How to Break the Cycle)

Whenever I think about control and those in desperate need to be in control, I can’t help but think of that Janet Jackson song. What a tune.

Anyhoo… the need for control is not really about control. I mean, really, what we think are issues are about are never that.

Control is all about predictability.

Why We Crave Control

Think about it- if someone grew up in abuse, chaos, neglect, or betrayal, their emotion body (AKA nervous system) learned this twisted thought:

"If I don't stay alert, prepared, and in control, I'm not safe."

It’s all about safety, baby.

At one point, that belief very likely could have been a literal lifesaver. The problem is that the brain often keeps running that program long after the danger is gone.

Breaking the cycle of control isn't about becoming less responsible, nor is it about reciting over and over “God is in control” until you’re blue in the face.

In order to break free from the cycle of control freak, one must teach the mind and body that that was then, this is now.

Ask Better Questions

To begin with, ask better questions.

Recognize what control is trying to protect.

What am I afraid will happen if I let go?

What am I trying to prevent?

You’ll probably discover the fear isn't really about the dishes, the schedule, the finances, or what someone else is doing. It's about abandonment, humiliation, rejection, or being powerless again.

Wisdom vs. Trauma-Based Fear

Healthy responsibility says things like, "I'll prepare." But unhealthy trauma-laced hypervigilance sounds more like, "I must prepare for every possible disaster." It basically assumes there will be a disaster. My husband called it catastrophic expectations.

Being prepared is not a negative thing. Being prepared because you think there might be a potential disaster, you might want to double-check that you’re using God-given wisdom rather than trauma-based fear.

Listen to Your Body

Pay attention to your body before your thoughts. The body is a stellar barometer for sensing what is actually going on.

Particularly control because it is often physical before it's mental.

The tight jaw and shoulders, the breath holding, the clenched stomach and hips.

A simple question of, "What is my body believing (or remembering) right now?" will do you wonders.

Challenge the Identity Beneath Control

The best advice I can share with you to help you right now is to challenge the identity underneath control.

A lot of people don't just control situations; they've become "the one who holds everything together." It becomes a badge of honor. It literally becomes who they are.

The thing is, if that identity disappears, then what?

Who are you?

Will people still need you?

Are you valuable if you’re not fixing everything?

In emotional healing, you’ll find that your worth isn't found in being the one who’s strong and dependable and resourceful. God has soooo much better for you.

Trust Yourself Again

One thing I notice is that people with a high need for control don't actually trust themselves. A person who truly trusts themselves knows they can respond if something unexpected happens. They trust their ability to hear the Lord, to pivot and ultimately believe that all things truly work out for their good- no matter what.

They don't need to prevent every possible problem because they believe they can adapt.

A Promise for the Control-Weary

One of my favorite anti-control passages is Isaiah 41:10. It says,

"Fear not... I will strengthen you, I will help you."

The promise isn't that life will become predictably controllable; it's that you’re not left high and dry.

You're Not Meant to Do This Alone

The difficult part isn't recognizing the program. It's interrupting it when life hits at 2:17 on a Tuesday afternoon.

This is exactly why I created Back Pocket Coaching™. It is a carefully curated private advisory relationship designed for those who are ready for rapid, lasting change. So when life happens, you have direct access to guidance that helps you interrupt old patterns, regain clarity, and move forward in real time.

If you're ready to stop living on autopilot, apply here.