Why Do I Feel Guilty When I'm Not Doing Something?

For much of Western history, a “good woman” was defined in how she related to other people: daughter, wife, mother, homemaker, caretaker. Her virtue was often measured through obedience, chastity, domestic competence, self-sacrifice, and service. The laws began to change (thank GOD), economic roles changed, and women entered a more public and professional life. However, societal expectations didn’t disappear the day laws changed.

And that, my friends, is where our story begins.

Here’s the Timeline, Ready?

Early expectations:

Obey your husband. Keep his home. Raise his children. Serve your family.

Later cultural norms:

Be a good wife and mother. Don’t neglect the home.

Modern day expectations:

Have a career. Be financially independent. Be an engaged mother. Maintain your marriage. Keep the house functioning. Manage everyone’s schedules. Stay attractive. Exercise. Cook healthy food. Remember birthdays. Maintain friendships. Volunteer. Be emotionally available. And don’t complain because, after all, your gender chose empowerment.

You see where I’m going with this. The old workload wasn’t removed when women went public. We just removed the bras and added liberation on top of the responsibilities.

And Then There’s the Church

The Church certainly didn’t/doesn’t help. In fact, they add a nice little slice of work onto the already overloaded shoulders of women.

Show of hands- how many of you volunteer (that means for free)  at your church all in the name of “serving Jesus”? And you do this after you got yourself, the kids, the dog, the cat, and maybe the rat ready for the day.

Society has been conditioning women for approximately 1800 years, give or take, to live under heaps of burdens. What was once an external demand has become an internal rule for nearly all women.

Think About It

Nobody has to tell you to get up and clean the kitchen.

Nobody has to tell you that you shouldn’t sit down while everyone else is sitting down.

Nobody told you that you need permission to spend money on yourself.

Nobody has to tell you that disappointing someone means you’ve done something wrong.

Nobody has to tell you to anticipate everyone’s needs.

All of that and more is written on your DNA.

This, my dear friend, is why simply placing a demand on your spouse or partner doesn’t cut it. It’s not that simple. Every man in every house could suddenly pick up every slack there ever was, but internally you’d still feel the need to do something, anything. “I should be doing something, I can’t just sit around!”

Programming and Generational Encoding

That, my dear is called programming and generational encoding.

Imagine this situation in one house- one adult is expected to notice what needs doing, anticipate needs, remember appointments, maintain the environment, plan meals, replenish supplies, manage children, coordinate social obligations, provide emotional support, notice everyone’s moods, care for sick family members, and frequently put their own rest behind everyone else’s. The other adult may participate significantly, but the first adult remains the person ultimately responsible for noticing whether everything gets done.

It reads weirdly when you take the gender roles out of it. It’s uncomfortable to read, TBH. Because the truth is, most people, spouses and partners, wouldn’t consciously agree to the above scenario. It’s ludicrous. Yet this is where many people find themselves.

And here’s the rub- for over 30 years I’ve heard women say the same thing: “But if I don’t do it, NO ONE will!”

And for 30 years, I’ve asked dozens and dozens of these women, “How do you know? You never make space to find out.”

“It Ends Here.”

You see, ladies, we have choices to give societal programming the middle finger and say, “It ends here.” This is not a “husband or man” problem. This is a “you’ve been brainwashed to believe this is your role” problem. A wife may automatically assume responsibility. A husband may automatically accept her assumption of responsibility. Yet no one stopped to ask, “Hold up- why are we doing it this way?”

Parents for decades modeled this. The Church sanctified it. Advertising reinforced it. Schools certainly get in on the action of assuming men are helpless (they’re NOT btw) and making mom the default parent.

But Was This Always the Model?

What’s crazy is that in ancient Hebrew culture, ya know, where Jesus grew up, this wasn’t how it was. This isn’t the model our God set up.

What Happens When No One Is Forcing You to “Do” Anymore?

So what’s my point? I wake up often thinking about how women are basically prisoners of their own minds because of the nonsense society has lied to them about. And I’m wondering, are women serving and doing all the things because they genuinely love it and are free to serve their families and society? Or are they serving, doing, and working because they don’t feel free not to?

So ask yourself this question: What happens when no one is forcing you to “do” anymore? Do you believe you’re allowed to stop?